As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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