i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
