She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
