the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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