cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
