Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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