3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
