so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
