I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
