I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
