Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
