Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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