If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
