I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
found the other keg... it's in the tree
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
