What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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