seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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