so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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