I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
