there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
