I cannot find my penis.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
