Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
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