k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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