i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
