Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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