shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
