i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
