Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
