While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
