Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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