I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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