yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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