I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
