I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
