I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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