She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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