I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
