Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
