i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
