just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
it glows. i had to have it.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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