you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
