he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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