Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
