hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
