What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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