i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
