glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
