Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
