it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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