I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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