I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My vagina just recognized that song.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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