I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
