My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
