hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
